I agree with you both. Come on, BGM! WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. Thats why he wants to help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend. I purposely do this so hell not do the same with me. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. Agreed. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. Its just a fact of life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? Is this normal? Through good communication and a fair division of labor, these chores can be tolerable or even enjoyable. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. 11. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. silver_dragon_girl Francine And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. tbrucemom But it seems like they want to take things slowly. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. So many people spend a ton of time with family. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. You accept him as he is or you leave. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. He also has a kid so Im basically competing with so much people. LW, how about writing back with the details? My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. Hes going to choose you. Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. OR look up state parks. This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you muchachaenlaventana No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am Play frisbee in the park! Although that is a great idea, unfortunately, those plans arent going to work for me as my boyfriend likes to tag along his parents whenever he goes on trips. Thatll probably shut them up. If I was gone for a month at a time, you can bet when I went home, seeing my parents would be a top priority. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. Each January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. Is it a deal breaker? It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. LW real advice. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. Michelle Tax Geek It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. Your Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. Those conversations should have happened before. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. A picnic in the park? At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. If they are going to see his parents then I think he should pick up the tickets, especially since finances are tighter for her. Yeah, I agree with ron. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. Really? GatorGirl January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. Youve lived together for three weeks. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. You arent happy and yet you stay. It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability But she doesnt seem to mind it. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. Pay careful attention to his reaction. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. She should say something about it to the BF at least. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. John Rohan I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. It doesnt mean he loves her any less. every place has natural wonders. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. its a really exciting time for your relationship! January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. But I really dont think they were spending time in the city together before they moved in, I think she was spending time in the city while he was doing other things. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. However, its also a convenient excuse for Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. Starting over! My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. Whats behind your husbands need to spend every weekend with his family? Will.i.am lets_be_honest So much fun and its free! Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. At the end of the day though like Wendy said, the situation itself isnt going to change, so either find ways to deal with it, or leave. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. lets_be_honest I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. AKchic There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? Dont go this weekend. I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. ForeverYoung Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. Will.i.am a lot of people just arent that way. but you have to talk to him about it. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. It took both of us a while to cut that back to what it is now, first it moved to one set of parents each weekend so wed alternate, and then down to every couple weeks. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. June 18, 2014, 9:55 am. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. Bike riding? Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? Im very independent , so it doesnt bother me too much just because I do my own thing anyway but it is still frustrating. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. This is something about him that will likely never change. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! GatorGirl He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. If these things fail then she has to make decisions in together makes it much more to... Other on weekends time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend with his family enjoy! Mom and 3 from his parents create this feeling of guilt of not visiting every weekend, chores. 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