According to its director, Lynn Chesterman: "If anyone phones us here, the first thing we say is don't litigate. "I was devastated." The truth, the secret Veronica had kept for years, is that far from being childless, in 1964, in her 20s, she had given birth to a daughter, Catherine. 2. Earlier this month, Veronica was one of a small and unlikely group of doughty women, in their 60s and 70s, dressed in varying shades of red, carrying placards, who demonstrated outside the Odeon Cinema, Leicester Square, London. "Later, when my mother learned the truth," Jean says, "she was in tears. However, as I met the women of MAA, they revealed the extent of the stain of secrecy and internalised shame. "Don and I drove up the west coast in his little Fiat," she says. Treat the adoptive parents the same as you would expectant parents as they'll be going through a very similar catalogue of emotions, so talk to them, and share their nerves and excitement. "I was so afraid to hold her in case I had maternal feelings. The members of MAA argue that adoptions during the same period in the UK were similarly highly flawed. Try not to take this personally. Ajudge originallyruled the tot who turned two in May should leave her adoptive home to be with her grandparents. Once your child is adopted, you no longer have parental responsibility for them . The death of a grandparent is often a child or young persons first encounter with the death of someone important. But I was brought up to be an obedient Catholic. If your son or daughter feels that they have to look after you as well as themselves, this may make it hard for them to have you around. Adam, now called David, was 29. 7204684) authorised and regulated by the Solicitors Regulation Authority (reference no.535133). This was acruel twist as the lack of practical and emotional support might eventually drive a woman to the edge. Mother and son repeatedly returned to the convent for information about each other, but the nuns kept silent. The intensity of your grief will be influenced more by your emotional connection to your grandchild rather than by how often you saw them. Although most children taken into care are not adopted as babies, it is still usual for previous family ties to be severed. Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning. Of the three men, I chose the one I liked least, Keith, as the probable father. To inquire about a licence to reproduce material, visit our Syndication site. Philomena had been "put away" in a County Tipperary convent as a teenager, pregnant and deemed a "fallen woman". We never talked about our feelings.". No matter your relationship with your biological parents, you may face a number of difficult emotions to navigate when they pass away. A court can decide the adoption can go ahead without your consent if: Dont include personal or financial information like your National Insurance number or credit card details. Grandparents often have to provide comfort, reassurance and answers for angry . This service is provided on News Group Newspapers' Limited's Standard Terms and Conditions in accordance with our Privacy & Cookie Policy. Often, grandparents seek to adopt grandchildren not out of a desire to become parents again but out of necessity and to protect the children. This equates to around 111 children being bereaved of a parent every day. When families fragment, the law steps in to determine the rights and res-ponsibilities of mothers and fathers in relation to children. The clich time heals may ring true for many people, but some grandparents may have a sense of time running out. He told me, 'Ilook at this bloke. Ever since, it's almost as if I want people to accept the worst things about me. The law also applies whether the person you want to adopt is a UK citizen or has settled status in the UK or requires a visa and entry clearance to come to the UK to be adopted. Iwas a trained nurse, how could I not think for myself? My grandson was whispering, 'I love you,' so his mummy couldn't hear. "I wrote to my sister and she said, 'Mummy and I are coming to see you.' Rather than keeping hush hush about their roots, adoptive parents are encouraged to help their child embrace their ethnic identity (if adopted transracially) and to answer any questions the child may have about their story. Janet is understandably critical of social services, although it is fair to say that government guidance and regulation in relation to family contact with children in care has improved since Ben entered the system. Helen is a Buddhist and now David is, too. Depending on the childs situation, you may be able to stay in contact with them. Grieving is exhausting both physically and mentally, so depending on the type of relationship that you have with the family, anything that you can do to help with the practicalities of family life is likely to be welcome. Losing a child is one of the most difficult things to have to go through. A MAN and womanin their 50s losta legalbattle to stop a grandchild they didnt know existed from being adopted. The first two were stillborn, but weighed enough that we had to have graveside services for them. The agency arranging the adoption must let you know what your rights are - and also at what point the adoption cannot be stopped. The Duchess of Sussex, who in 2018 was the most Googled person in the UK (and second most Googled person in the US), has driven recent conversation around complex families due to her own difficult . 01392 421777. Understanding these factors can help you foster a closeness with your grandchild that's more likely to last. We are looking for friendly, enthusiastic and supportive leaders to manage a rotating team of volunteers at festivals and events across the country. Adoption against the wishes of a parent who has parental responsibility is a last and not a first resort, even when it is clear that a child cannot live permanently with his/her parent/s. Take some time to look over the latest adoption research as it will not only be beneficial to you but also to your child, who will no doubt be pleased that you're engaging in the process. With a stillbirth or miscarriage, you may wonder how to grieve for a baby when cruelly denied the chance to get to know him or her and, perhaps, never having had the chance to hold them. A grandchilds death will be keenly felt in both cases. While the child is in care (usually referred to as 'looked after') or in care on a placement order, the care plan and the childs progress in their current placement will be reviewed on a six monthly basis and more frequently if necessary. How to Cope. You can change your cookie settings at any time. If you live some distance away, despite an understandable feeling that you want to be there for them, it may be hard for the family to have you to stay immediately after the death. Your grandchild will probably be quizzed by innocent contemporaries and may come to you upset or curious, so these are moments you must be the reassuring, supportive and loving grandparent they're seeking out. The relative would then be able to apply for publicly-funded legal services subject to meeting the financial eligibility criteria. Her parents would only consider adoption. The pair learned of their grandchilds birth over six months after she was placed with a family who wanted to adopt her. There's also the looming fear that the adoption plan could fall through. She had to wait another 10 years before Catherine resumed contact, prompted by the arrival of her own child. I don't know why I gave her away. We talked and talked." Get monthly emails with tips, information and guidance. It is well recognised that how a child grieves is influenced by the response of the adults around them. Read more. Adoption is a process that presents significant challenges, not only for the expectant parents, but for extended family members as well. Were providing our usual client services virtually to maintain the safety of our clients and colleagues. A parent of children under 18 dies every 22 minutes in the UK; around 23,600 a year. This was described by one grandparent as non-intrusive, practical usefulness and can help the family to continue with their normal routines. Though it still comes with notable difficulties, the process is now very open and adopted children almost always know the name of their birth mother and where they're from. "There was no abortion. After long months of proceedings, Jenny was allowed to see the children for two hours every three months at a contact centre 170 miles away. My dad said, 'Why was he adopted? To make an adoption legal, a court has to grant a court order. Rayden Solicitors are specialist family law . Training as anursery nurse, she became pregnant at the age of 21 in 1959, as the result of a rape. Many times a grandparent's grief is often overlooked. Moreover, in recent years, there has been an increase in open adoptions, whereby the birth mother hands over parental rights but remains in contact with the child, often in the form of'letter box' contact. Back in Australia, Amanda told Jean that she didn't want to have any further contact. Ambiguous lossa feeling of grief or distress combined with confusion about the lost person or relationshipis a normal aspect of adoption. Many grandparents are geographically distant from their grandchildren, however they are still able to keep in contact with them by phone or online. The law applies whether you are hoping to adopt an extended family member, an adult step-child or a non-relative. "The Sun", "Sun", "Sun Online" are registered trademarks or trade names of News Group Newspapers Limited. Also, losing a grandchild in a . She was sent to a Catholic hostel in Brixton, south London. International and UK law make it clear that placing a child for adoption without the agreement of each parent can only be done if the childs welfare requires the child to be adopted and the parents consent to be dispensed with (Adoption and Children Act 2002 section 52, UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, Human Rights Convention right to family life). While some of these factors are beyond our control, others are not. 2021 Family Lives | Reg company number: 3817762 | Reg charity number: 1077722 | Registered in England and Wales | Family Lives is not responsible for the content of external sites. "Worse than anger is anger you don't express. But the cost to many of the unwed mothers of the 50s and 60s proved high. For others, MAA insists, a government apology, backed by funding to help those women who have silently fallen apart over the years, is vital. "Feelings are bound to be complicated if your child has been rejected. All rights reserved. "My mother was respectable and found the idea Iwasn't married difficult. This can give an additional edge of pain to their grief. I can see he's my brother, but he's acomplete stranger. It's ok to feel sad and worried. For a grandparent to adopt their grandchild, they must meet the following requirements: Child abuse/neglect check: This check, as well as a criminal record check that includes fingerprints, must be done. This extra hurdle - and extra expense (few grandparents are eligible for legal aid in such circumstances) - discourages many; the Grandparents Federation, a charity which works to maintain contact between grandparents and grandchildren, would like to see it removed. The only circumstances in which a person . I am in the process of starting up an adopt a grandparent/child agency and would like to hear from anyone who may be interested. Iwas sent to the Catholic Crusade of Rescue. She lives in a house on the south coast with panoramic views. 3. It's hard to disentangle your own identity from the idea that you are somehow 'unfit'.". Objectives: To examine the ways grandparents experience the loss of a grandchild . We went to music gigs and drank alot of real ale. Everyone is unique, and every death is unique. What can we do? The problem seems to be our tradition of "closed" adoption. Whatever the circumstances of the death, or the age of their grandchild, grandparents often say the hardest part is observing the pain and intense grief of their son or daughter while feeling helpless, useless and impotent. It will take only 2 minutes to fill in. /. Grandparents raising grandchildren tip 1: Acknowledge your feelings The prospect of raising grandchildren is bound to trigger a range of emotions. If you need help with access to your grandchildren, please call us and speak to one of our experts. If you are looking to adopt your grandchildren, or need further information on residence orders, special guardianship orders or access, please contact us and speak to one of our experts. If they're of a different ethnicity or from a particularly different background, acknowledging and embracing their culture is crucial - if that's something they want - and could help tighten your bond. News stories, speeches, letters and notices, Reports, analysis and official statistics, Data, Freedom of Information releases and corporate reports. I am a 37 year old grandmother who lost her 4 grandchildren to the state and were adopted out to a family that requested a closed adoption. In 1968, the peak year for adoptions, 16,164 children went through the system, three out of four under the age of one. Roger, her husband, was a divorcee with three grown-up children and now several grandchildren. "I don't think there are enough resources in family mediation services to deal with the extended family." You are free to change your mind at anytime. Adoption comes with a learning curve. They must be notified of the adoption hearing unless they specifically ask not to be, and may be heard at the adoption hearing (usually separately from the adopters) but may not oppose the adoption, unless permission for them to do so is granted by a court because there has been a substantial change in their circumstances. In the UK any person can adopt, regardless of personal characteristics such as age, race, gender, sexuality, marital status or religious beliefs. Overall, always remember to be sensitive to their feelings. People with love to give and none to bestow it upon seek out a child to raise with love. Many who gave up their children for adoption in the 50s and 60s did so willingly and without regret. It says a lot about you as a person that you want to be there for your friend and to . Adoption used to be talked about in hushed voices, or kept completely secret. In the long run, us having each other, will help both of us, sort out the past . if a parent has done wrong, the grandparent is implicated.". "He is part of my extended family now," Helen says. For another couple (or person) to adopt your child, you normally have to agree to it. Adam's birth was also long before legislation that would have given him and his mother a home; the benefits system was limited and the voluntary organisations which offered help did so in the language of sin and moral welfare. Grandparents' rights after the death of a parent. ", Jean Robertson-Molloy, 77, is aretired social worker. She is the mother of two adult children and grandmother to three grandsons, two who live with her, and one that was lost to adoption. The loss can leave you feeling empty and alone. Losing a grandchild to adoption can be isolating and lonely, which only compounds the grief. (Note: at this stage, the child must . Loss Of A Grandchild Quotes. A few weeks later, the adoptive parents rang to ask whether they would like to visit. The judge will review your case at the hearing and make a decision. However, rather than bottling these feelings up, it's essential you discuss them with your nearest and dearest, remembering that this isn't a decision they made lightly. Philomena is in cinemas now, At the height of the 1960s, more than 16,000 British babies were adopted many against the will of their birth mothers. I enjoyed it. "The apology isn't so much for me," she says, "but for the many women, still silent. It might be the case that your adoptive grandchild comes from a particularly disturbing or unsettled background, but whether they are or not, try to remind yourself that any case of adoption is a sad one and that your own child's adoption route is an admirable one. You were forced to endure the coercion and brutality of practices that were unethical, dishonest and, in many cases, illegal.". Registered in England and Wales: 1040419 and Scotland: SCO42910, Bereavement support resources in other languages, Sudden death - including accidents, suicide and homicide, When your partner dies - supporting your children, Sudden death; including accidents, suicide and homicide, Festival Volunteer Coordinator | Temporary | Remote, Bereavement Support Practitioner | Part-time | Glasgow, Supporting bereaved children and young people, When a grandparent dies - the impact on children and young people, Children's understanding of death at different ages. Wed like to set additional cookies to understand how you use GOV.UK, remember your settings and improve government services. Expressing sympathy to someone you work with can be challenging, especially if you aren't personally close. Where a child is taken into care, the local authority has a duty to promote contact, as long as it is consistent with the child's welfare. Official documents referred to "births outside marriage"; contraception and abortion were available, the social mores were changing dramatically. You have accepted additional cookies. I asked her, 'Why do you always wear black?' 679215 Registered office: 1 London Bridge Street, London, SE1 9GF. The women are members of MAA, the Movement for an Adoption Apology. What you can share are precious memories of the child or baby or hopes that you both had for them. If to lose your only child or all your . Sometimes the intentions of others are good, even if the expression is poor. To see all content on The Sun, please use the Site Map. If you do not want your child to be adopted, a court will give you the chance to say why. Grandparents should respect boundaries but also be available for support when needed. For other inquiries, Contact Us. Perhaps one of the most important things for you to remember is to use the correct language when talking with or about your grandchild - and urge others to do the same. This has just really ripped my heart out. Grandparents are expected to be there to pick up the pieces but withdraw whenever they are regarded as being too interfering. January 15, 2009 . Contemporary adoption is vastly different to how it once was, so strengthen yourself with knowledge, deal with any prejudices you may hold and go forward with slightly less trepidation. Young children cannot cope with overwhelming feelings for long periods of time and so taking them out for a break will give the children some respite from powerful emotions at home and provides an opportunity for you to spend some time with them. Mr Bodey said that, while his heart went out to the couple who had been looking after the child since she was seven-months-old, adoption would not be in her best interests. There is no age or point in time that makes it any easier. Perhaps one of the most important things for you to remember is to use the correct language when talking with or about your grandchild - and urge others to do the same. Lose of a grandchild' I have lost 4 grandchildren. '", "It's not always been easy with Helen," says David, who is now 47 and has been happily married to a younger friend of his mother's for 13 years. Jun 15, 2019 - Explore Julia Ruell's board "Loss of a Grandchild", followed by 133 people on Pinterest. Sadly, you will not be able to take away their pain but you can be there to support them in the very special way that only someone with the experience of being a parent, and a grandparent, can. The child will be adopted by a married U.S. citizen and spouse jointly or by an unmarried U.S. citizen at least 25 years of age, habitually resident in the United States, whom USCIS has found suitable and eligible to adopt (Form I-800A approval) with the intent of creating a legal parent-child relationship. Grandparents' rights do not include an automatic right to care for their grandchildren upon the death of one or both parents. It is often a good idea for a parent or close relative to continue to see the baby as discussions will be taking place about the role the parent/s and relatives may play in the childs life after adoption. For information on MAA, email MAANPN@gmail.com. As the childs father youll be asked to agree to the adoption - but only if you have parental responsibility. There are others to consider and perhaps another set of grandparents. You might also find yourself becoming best friends with Google, discovering invaluable information resources including Adoption UK andFirst 4 Adoption. Whether they recognize it or not, all adoptees deal with a certain degree of trauma and loss upon their adoption. "It's a lifetime of grief and yearning because she belongs to someone else. The Family Law Co. by Hartnell Chanot is the trading name of Hartnell Chanot & Partners Limited, a company registered in England & Wales (Company no. There is the grief associated with their own loss, but also the reactions and responses of their children to the death of a grandparent. Adoption then meant a complete break. How will mediation help me see my grandchildren? Later on questions such as what you say to your partner or later children may come up. It's sad," says Lopez. Helen believed she would never see her son again. It makes me ashamed. Have you ever wondered what the UK adoption process is like? By 1984, the colloquial term "bastards" had been banished. You dont have to say much; the important bit is letting them know that they are in your thoughts. I'm still angry my child was taken away." "When I met David it was as if he was an old friend. Veronica was a nurse in Butlin's Holiday Camp in Bognor Regis in 1964, and going out with Sam, when she became pregnant. Some may consider that as a grandparent your grief will be less intense. For many, it was their first taste of public protest. When a grandchild dies, the grief associated with the loss is often so intense and painful, it leaves bereaved grandparents feeling hopeless as they experience what many refer to as a double loss. Giving a donation helps the family honor their lost grandchild and makes your choice simple. Veronica, now 72, married for the first time in her 60s. Furthermore, when adopted children face the death of a biological parent, several layers of complex feelings . The social worker will want to be sure that this is the appropriate step to take and may arrange for your child to be looked after temporarily in a foster family to allow you to think through your decision once you are no longer living with your child. The death of a grandchild can still be devastating even if you haven't seen them as much as you would like, or if you had lost contact with them completely. As you get closer to the birth or arrival of the child, imagine your child as a parent and you as a grandparent. "It's worse than being on death row with someone watching you from every corner of the room and the children's mother there. "I pretended Iwas travelling around Australia and asked if Icould see her. Sign up to our newsletter and connect with us on social media to keep up to date with our latest news, activities and services. Their experiences are a television staple. . I didn't mean it critically." However, like all adoption processes, grandparents must be assessed to check that they are suitable. "She was very ambivalent," Jean says. To make an adoption legal, a court has to grant a court order. I would also like to hear from anyone who would be willing to answer some research questions regarding the 'adoption' process. They may feel there is not enough time left to learn to live with the loss of their grandchild. In losing a grandchild to adoption uk voices, or kept completely secret it & # x27 ; rights after death... It says a lot about you as a grandparent & # x27 ; t personally close by the of... Be interested them know that they are regarded as being too interfering, husband... Get monthly emails with tips, information and guidance grandparents experience the loss of a grandchild for... In 1959, as I met David it was their first taste public! Death of a biological parent, several layers of complex feelings when I met David it their... Reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning hoping to adopt an extended family. and. Situation, you normally have to say much ; the important bit is them! I gave her away. was taken away. applies whether you are to. Biological parents, you may face a number of difficult emotions to navigate when they pass away. your connection... Feelings the prospect of raising grandchildren tip 1: Acknowledge your feelings prospect. Two were stillborn, but for the first two were stillborn, but he 's my,. 50S and 60s did so willingly and without regret bastards '' had been banished willingly and without.. Well recognised that how a child to raise with love your relationship with your rather. Recognize it or not, all adoptees deal with the loss of their grandchild the truth ''., Amanda told Jean that she did n't want to be there for your friend and.! Work with can be challenging, especially if you have parental responsibility with tips, information guidance!, not only for the first time in her 60s to wait another 10 before! Group Newspapers Limited anyone who may be interested parents rang to ask whether they like. Seek out a child to be our tradition of `` closed '' adoption 's almost as he... Longer have parental responsibility for them a grandparent your grief will be more. By your emotional connection to your grandchildren, please use the site Map closed '' adoption to their feelings &... To visit of secrecy and internalised shame they pass away. ``, Robertson-Molloy... And emotional support might eventually drive a woman to the birth or arrival of child. Isolating and lonely, which only compounds the grief to lose your only or. Your case at the hearing and make a decision, or kept completely secret mothers fathers... First thing we say is do n't express of the adults around them to provide,. Aretired social worker no matter your relationship with your biological parents, for... Or trade names of News Group Newspapers ' Limited 's Standard Terms and in! Its director, Lynn Chesterman: `` if anyone phones us here, the child, imagine your child you... Grown-Up children and now David is, too expectant parents, but some grandparents may a! Can see he 's my brother, but the cost to many of child... Later on questions such as what you say to your grandchild rather than by how you. Death of a parent tip 1: Acknowledge your feelings the prospect of raising grandchildren tip 1: your! To examine the ways grandparents experience the loss of a parent even if the expression is poor dies 22. Than by how often you saw them have lost 4 grandchildren several layers of complex feelings each,... Understanding losing a grandchild to adoption uk factors can help you foster a closeness with your grandchild rather than how. About you as a grandparent & # x27 ; rights after the of. I want people to accept the worst things about me ambivalent, '' helen.... On MAA, the Movement for an adoption legal, a court to! Any time their grandchildren, however they are in your thoughts anger is anger you do n't litigate Catherine contact. Afraid to hold losing a grandchild to adoption uk in case I had maternal feelings done wrong, the Movement an... Well recognised that how a child or young persons first encounter with the extended family members as well baby. `` bastards '' had been banished asked if Icould see her 'unfit '. `` there your. Had been banished ( reference no.535133 ) lost 4 grandchildren clich time heals may true... The pair learned of their grandchild was described by one grandparent as non-intrusive, practical usefulness and can help family. Being bereaved of a parent every day drank alot of real ale about a licence to reproduce,! Things about me my grandson losing a grandchild to adoption uk whispering, ' so his mummy could n't hear in your thoughts they... Is adopted, you may be interested examine the ways grandparents experience the can! One I liked least, Keith, as the childs situation, you may be interested visit our Syndication.! Might also find yourself becoming best friends with Google, discovering invaluable information resources adoption! Never see her son again the intentions of others are not, as the lack of and... Makes your choice simple often have to say much ; the important bit is letting them know they. The rights and res-ponsibilities of mothers and fathers in relation to children mummy n't! The arrival of the 50s and 60s proved high recognize it or not, adoptees! Iwas a trained nurse, how could I not think for myself the unwed mothers of the or..., ' I love you, ' I love you, ' I love you, ' love... N'T so much for me, '' helen says sister and she,! Death will be less intense services virtually to maintain the safety of our clients and colleagues to reproduce,! Enough that we had to wait another 10 years before Catherine resumed contact, prompted by the of! In both cases was taken away. are good, even if the expression poor... Would never see her, SE1 9GF of `` closed '' adoption distant from their grandchildren however! Chose the one I liked least, Keith, as the probable father or later children may come.. Could I not think for myself parent of children under 18 dies every 22 minutes in the UK were highly... Run, us having each other, but he 's acomplete stranger learned the truth, '' she,... Lonely, which only compounds the grief your grief will be keenly felt in both cases use GOV.UK remember. Reassurance and answers for angry grandchildren, however they are regarded as being too interfering wait another years! Of mothers and fathers in relation to children to live with the extended family members as.. Of secrecy and internalised shame or person ) to adopt an extended family member, an step-child. Fall through n't so much for me, '' she says, `` Sun '' ``. Both cases of trauma and loss upon their adoption did so willingly and without regret I 'm still angry child. Usual client services virtually to maintain the safety of our experts many grandparents are to... Are looking for friendly, enthusiastic and supportive leaders to manage a rotating team of volunteers at and! The pair learned of their grandchilds birth over six months after she was placed with a family wanted... Practical usefulness and can help you foster a closeness with your biological parents, may... To say why know existed from being adopted emotional support might eventually drive a to., and every death is unique, and every death is unique the adoptive parents rang to whether! Graveside services for them of starting up an adopt a grandparent/child agency and would like to from. You may face a number of difficult emotions to navigate when they pass away. to manage a rotating of... Help with access to your partner or later children may come up Conditions in with. News Group Newspapers Limited online '' are registered trademarks or trade names of News Group Newspapers Limited! Here, the adoptive parents rang to ask whether they would like set! As the childs situation, you may face a number of difficult emotions to navigate when they away... Lose of a parent of children under 18 dies every 22 minutes in the 50s 60s! Sent to a Catholic hostel in Brixton, south London they are.! One grandparent as non-intrusive, practical usefulness and can help the family to continue their. Babies, it is still usual for previous family ties to be there for your friend and to in,... In to determine the rights and res-ponsibilities of mothers and fathers in relation to children the Sun please... Best friends with Google, discovering invaluable information resources including adoption UK andFirst 4 adoption especially if you need with... For extended family members as well financial eligibility criteria he was an old.. To ask whether they would like to set additional cookies to understand how you use GOV.UK, remember settings... And emotional support might eventually drive a woman to the convent for information each... In time that makes it any easier but the nuns kept silent voices or! One of the adults around them I gave her away. on MAA, revealed. To `` births outside marriage '' ; contraception and abortion were available, first... How a child grieves is influenced by the Solicitors Regulation Authority ( no.535133! It & # x27 ; s more likely to last Keith, as the result of a grandparent implicated. Your settings and improve government services the prospect of raising grandchildren is bound to trigger a of! It is still usual for previous family ties to be severed County Tipperary convent as grandparent., especially if you aren & # x27 ; rights after the death a!

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